teeth dreams

It's a funny time of year.

2008-11-13T18:40:52Z

I met my Mentee last night--which is a story of its own--and while nervously attempting to tell me about her family, using a language that she's known for less than a year, she told me about her father and how he had recently fallen down a staircase and injured himself very baldy. She told me about how upset she was, how she had to call for an ambulance, and how she is worried for his health and his ability to recover.

***

I recently pulled from my bookshelf and started re-reading Anne Donovan's Heiroglyphics. I read the entire collection of stories a few years ago on my plane ride home from Scotland, and I remember feeling a real connection to the words and emotions that she put down in those pages of fiction. This morning on the train to work I read this:

It was too complicated tae explain. How tae make him understand a grandfather that he'd never seen, and would never see. Who would never see him.

Funny though, it never really seemed tae her he was dead. It was 20 year ago, yet if he'd walked in that door now she wouldnae of been surprised. Only last year she'd found hersel standin in a shop two days afore Christmas, wondering what tae get him. Yet in the day tae day she hardly thought of him.

***

Every year, the holidays change. What used to be tradition is now just a fuzzy memory of being in a too-tiny kitchen, with too many people, all waiting our turn for a spot at the table and a scoop of mamaw's stuffing. Now, three of us go here and there... wherever and whenever we can manage to find the money to travel and the time to come together the way that we want to.

Most of the time, it is easy to forget. But this time of year, it's hard not to remember. I can't believe it has been six years...

Where I'm From...

2008-10-28T20:27:35Z

I cant remember if I've told many people about this, but I decided to be a mentor through a nyc based program called iMentor.org The program is incorporated with underserved nyc high schools and it is based around once a week emails with our mentees and once a month scheduled hang outs and activities.

My mentee's last assignment was to write a poem to me about where she is from. She is a recent immigrant from China and she is 20 years old. Here is the poem that she sent to me:

Where I'm from sounds like the birds sing in the broaches

Where I'm from sounds like the crows moo on the green land

Where I'm from sounds like the dogs bark when they see the strangers

Where I'm from sounds like the pigs snort each other

Where I'm from sounds like the chicken cluck to find some food they want

Where I'm from tastes like my mother cooks some delicius food for us

Where I'm from tastes like little red litchis

Where I'm from tastes like little longans

Where I'm from tastes like big pomegranate

Where I'm from tastes delicious special snacks

Where I'm from looks like a lot of farmers are working on the farm with the sunshine

Where I'm from looks like innocent and lovely children play whth silt

Where I'm from looks like some filial piety children help their parents farming

Where I'm from looks like glistening rice field stretch as far as the eye can see

Where I'm from looks like some groups of ducks, some groups of gooses swim on the lake

Where I'm from smells like a colorful lily

Where I'm from smells like a small purple violet

Where I'm from smells like different colors chrysanthemums have a lively party on September

Where I'm from smells like a lot of delicious food from every house every night

Where I'm from smells like the fresh air after air

Where I'm from feels like a big family

Where I'm from feels like a simple village

Where I'm from feels like the honest children

Where I'm from feels like the harvest party

Where I'm from feels like the beautiful girls dancing under the sky

And here is the poem that I wrote back, about me:

Where I'm from sounds like cats meowing for their food in the morning.

Where I'm from sounds like the neighbor's loud truck engine, reving across the street.

Where I'm from sounds like neighborhood dogs barking when cars drive by.

Where I'm from sounds like birds and squirrels chattering in the trees.

Where I'm from sounds like the wind blowing off of the mountaintops.

Where I'm from tastes like a huge sunday lunch at grandma's house.

Where I'm from tastes like buttermilk biscuits.

Where I'm from tastes like strawberries in summer, squash in winter, and apple cider in fall.

Where I'm from tastes like friendship bread that I get from my best friend.

Where I'm from tastes like holiday feasts of turkey and mashed potatoes and pie.

Where I'm from looks like green, lush mountains.

Where I'm from looks like the effects of mountain top removal coal mining.

Where I'm from looks like wild rivers with rapids twisting through the valleys.

Where I'm from looks like small old houses with yards full of flowers.

Where I'm from looks like hard working, wrinkle-faced people.

Where I'm from smells like smoke from the fire place.

Where I'm from smells like the potpouri in mom's bedroom.

Where I'm from smells like fresh mountain rain and cut grass.

Where I'm from smells like chemicals being processed at the plant.

Where I'm from smells like nature: wood and leaves and dirt.

Where I'm from feels like napping on a big soft couch in front of the t.v.

Where I'm from feels like five cats brushing against your ankles all at once.

Where I'm from feels like the love of friends and family.

Where I'm from feels like childhood laughter.

Where I'm from feels far away from New York.

heart on a scale

2008-10-28T03:39:04Z

it's just soo fucking heavy.

Take your own advice, why dont' ya?

2008-10-01T16:42:45Z

"It is so hard not to let boy situations weigh down on every other aspect of our lives.

As for things feeling one sided, I don't know if there will ever be a time when we don't feel that way. We give and try and worry and hope, and seemingly never get back as much as we put into it.

How long to we take that?
Putting up with less than what is acceptable, just to not feel a l o n e...?
We deserve more than that.

If there is any from-the-heart advice I can offer you, it is this:
Try, as hard as you can, to focus on yourself. Pamper yourself in whatever small ways that you can. Surround yourself by the love of your friends and give yourself credit for being the amazing, talented, and successful person that you are. You and I dont need boys to justify how awesome that we are-- and as much as we feel like our worlds will come crashing down around us without them... ultimately, we are much stronger than that.

I love you so much and I really really do understand how easy it is to feel overwhelmed by relationships, your environment, a city that doesn't feel like your home, friends that seem insincere and flakey, having no money, struggling to know what to do- when to do it- and how.

All we can really do is try to stay positive and redirect our focus and efforts to things that make us feel happy and appreciated.

You are beautiful and amazing and smart and awesome, and sooo many people love you, and care about you, and miss you!

All of the x's and o's to you my darling friend."

vitamin water rescue

2008-09-16T16:20:30Z

there is a cut copy song that says "time stands still when i think of you..."

if i were in cut copy, today i would sing the lyrics like "time stands till when you've got a birthday hangover." because IT DOES... the clock is not moving, and all i want is to be back in my bed right now. my desk fan is blowing directly on my face and rustling the few remaining birthday streamers that my coworkers hung around my cubicle yesterday.

it was an awesome 27th birthday, and i'd totally do it all again-- just maybe without those forced birthday shots. guh.

send em...

2008-08-21T20:52:10Z

dear friends:

i'm needing your good-luck-love vibes.

love,
me

confession

2008-08-12T19:45:05Z

I recently did some exploring… I explored a facet of life that I am skeptical towards, nevertheless, interested in: clairvoyance.

My main issue here is that I am atheist, and therefore, I shouldn’t believe in spirituality… but I sort of do, at least, I am intrigued by the idea of it. But, spirituality isn’t absolute, it isn’t scientific, it isn’t tangible-- and herein lies my conflict.

All of that aside, I have always been drawn to the glamorous mystery of psychics, mediums, and fortunetellers. Ever since I was little, these things caught my interest: anything involving spirits, auras, voodoo, past lives, mediumship, Sylvia Brown… hello? I was hooked!

Of course after my dad died this became even more intriguing to me-- and while I have never experienced anything to make me stray from my atheistic “ghosts don’t exist and people don’t have spirits” conviction, there is a part of me that wants to believe that there are “spirits” about us.

It was mostly for entertainment, no different than me reading 5 different horoscopes online every morning when I get to work… but, it wasn’t entertaining at all.

It started on a Friday evening, I saw R., a psychic-clairvoyant-palmist-chakra healer. It initially went as I would have expected, she read my palm, asked me a few questions, told me some rather general “stuff” about my life… I wasn’t really buying it because she said some thing about me wanting to have kids (?) and also how I was going to be either proposed to or otherwise “engaged” within the next two months. Then she started into some specifics, about how I have missed a lot of opportunities in my life, that I have a lot of negative forces pulling at me from a lot of directions, and particularly about how I have this meticulous physical pain (which she called a black seed) inside of me, and what exactly that means.

All along I was feeling skeptical, yet eager to see what she said next. Ultimately she told me that I need to have some sort of spiritual cleansing to rid my body of said “seed,” to have my third eye opened, and to allow positive energy to enter my chakra, therefore allowing good things to happen in the future. She gave me two cleansing crystals, one that I was supposed to carry on my person at all times (and put under my pillow at night) and another that I was to bathe with.

To be perfectly honest, I one-hundred-percent did not believe that these crystals were going to do a damned thing for my “aura,” but I figured what the hell. I’d been in a crappy mood for a few days and I thought maybe going through this ridiculous ritual would at least be humorous enough to get me out of the dumps. SO, for a little more than a $5 palm reading and a little less than the cost of a 30 minute massage, I came home with crystals and some very detailed instructions. Mostly I just figured that this entire thing worked under like the placebo effect, but as instructed, I did the rituals, carried the crystal, and planned to call R. on the third day to see what to do next.

The third day came; I called, and was told that I had to return the crystal in order for R. to be able to see what was going on with the “seed” and how to remedy it. After playing phone tag for a few minutes and finally getting through she told me where to meet her. Before even going to meet her I had decided that I’d hear what she had to say and give her the crystal back, but that I couldn’t let any more money change hands... I mean, after all, this was supposed to be for fun and there are a lot of other things I need to be putting my paycheck towards.

On the walk there I called Claire, who I knew would be supportive of my psychic endeavor, and told her where I was going… I just felt like I wanted someone to know what was going on, as I was uncertain what sort of situation I was bout to put myself into. I met R. and she took me inside, into a weird, shitty room where there was a random mattress and a table (with candles and alleged crystal ball) and some clothes hanging against the wall. I trust my instincts, and I was NOT feeling it. She could sense that I was weirded out and perhaps that I was even on to her intentions. From here she basically told me that the negative seed was put on me by someone from my past, from when I was in my moms womb and someone was jealous of her (because of an affair that my dad had?)… a hex? Riiight. Great.

I have to admit though that I was getting a little bit upset and emotionally unsettled. I am already an emotional basket case most of the time, and this is sensitive subject matter we are dealing with here: my parents. It’s one thing to tell me stuff about my life, my actions, and what I can do to improve that, but bringing other people into it really makes me uncomfortable. She proceeded to tell me that she could clear all of the negative energy away by lighting these candles for me, but only if she lit one for each year of my life, and one for the time that I was in my mother’s womb. Conveniently for her, the charge for lighting these candles was $40 EACH! After hearing that, I was DONE. I was visibly upset and annoyed and just ready to get the hell out of there. I told her that I was not going to pay for that and she proceeded to insist that she knew I had enough money to complete the healing process if I really wanted to. She tried to calm me down and tell me not to worry, that she wants to "help me," and that she is my “best friend.” With that, I was really over it. I might be gullible enough to buy into someone telling me that if I do certain things my life will improve, but I am NOT going pull the wool over my eyes on someone outright trying to SCAM me.

At the end of all of this I was pretty distraught. I felt really stupid and I was also pissed that I had been swindled. It serves me right for straying from my “non believer” status… It also serves me right for going to a psychic in south Williamsburg.

I suppose I am too gullible, open minded, and trusting. So it’s back to being a realist for me; trusting my own heart and rational thinking to figure things out.

There is safety in the arms of the MSN dot com daily horoscope.

For some reason...

2008-07-25T17:55:08Z

This really stuck out of my horoscope today:

"Remember being wanted for who you are instead of what you can give is the ultimate compliment."

week of wonders

2008-07-24T18:22:35Z

So this week pretty much rules-- Despite the fact that Monday was pretty depressing, having to face the end of a fabulous weekend getaway at the Oberlechner resort hotel, where we weekended for Sabrina's beach birthday. Luckily my all over sunburn has quickly started to fade into a sweet BASE TAN, and the week hasn't been all that bad knowing that there'd be only four work days to plow through.

Andrea showed up at my doorstep early Tuesday morning, which was a welcomed surprise, even if I didn't have any down time between the end of vacation and his arrival-- all it meant for him was that the sheets weren't clean and the house was a total post out-of-town disaster. He doesn't seem to mind.

Work conditions were pretty terrible the past two days, simply because we don't have AC and my compact disk sized desk fan produces little to no air flow (read: no relief). The summer hour schedule however, is a nice perk, considering that when I walk out the door at 4pm I am walking into at least 8 more hours of hanging out with my boyfriend!!!

Today has been particularly great because 1) I got a package at work from my former temp agency and, 2) I heard the awesome news that I might be able to move upstairs soon!!!

The package was from the Temp Manger at Professionals for NonProfits-- they sent me a glass candy jar (filled with candies) and a letter congratulating me on my hiring at P---- and thanking me for being such an exceptional employee. Hehe.

The best part of the day was when Sabrina shared the awesome information that she'd bumped into our upstairs neighbor, who said that she was looking for a room mate or trying to move out of her apartment (the one I've been coveting for a few months now). Sabrina, being the amazing friend and personal real estate broker that she is, mentioned my desire to move into one of the upstairs units and suggested that maybe we should do an apartment swap! So, I am super stoked about the prospect of moving upstairs, having more space, and hopefully persuading Andrea to skip out on DC and move on up to bustling Brooklyn (where he can properly be my boyfriend, within arms reach).

Excitement, excitement!
Even if it doesn't work out, right now I am relishing in the day dream of it all panning out the way I want it to.

Tonight he and I are going to see Akron Family play at a castle (who knew they had those in Manhattan?) for free, as part of the river to river music festival. Then tomorrow we see The Brian Jonestown Massacre (!!!) and Sunday, Spiritualized. This constitutes "taking advantage of living in New York," right? (see #13 of www.43things.com/person/amgamy)

Ah life, what a little roller coaster you are.
It's been a good summer so far... keep it coming.*

* Next weekend Sabrina and I are going on a Hamptons road trip adventure: Grey Gardens, here we come!!!

Today is monday.

2008-07-07T16:14:10Z

Today is Monday: So far I ran (read: sprinted) to catch my train, spilled coffee on my dress, fell up the stairs at work, chose a stall with no toilet paper, and am convinced that I am developing a stomach ulcer.

Once I reached my desk and pulled myself together, I realized how pleasantly quiet the office was all last week... because that silence came to an abrupt end when I heard her.

How is it that the mere sound of someone's voice across a room or through a cubical wall can cause another individual to cringe from the inside out? There is not even a reason for me to dislike her. I have nothing against her. We never even interact with one another. But every time I hear that voice, it's like a little part of me is being murdered- The sound of those shoes coming down the hallway is like a warning bell- Who is she even talking to? She just talks, about anything, out loud, and in no particular direction- And regardless of what she says or how she says it, it always comes out like the winiest, bitchiest, complaint that any human being has ever expelled.

It must be something in my wiring.
The tone of her voice does NOT mesh with the receiving element in my ear drums.

I need to get headphones for work. Or ear plugs.
And while we're at it, can I get an air conditioner? Or a fan? Something.

I had such a pleasant weekend, but now, the only thing I can say is: "oh, monday."

i can haz a vacation?

2008-06-19T20:51:54Z

i want to go to the outer banks.

that's all.

reason #72 why i hate new york:

2008-06-09T14:04:34Z

getting kicked off the G train and having to walk to work on the hottest day of the "summer" thus far.

edit: i was not individually kicked off of the train-- apparently there was some sort of explosion down the line and all of the trains stopped running. everyone ELSE in brooklyn had to get out and walk to work too!

sauceus @ 2008-05-15T14:01:00

2008-05-15T18:22:11Z

recently, the lighting in the women's restroom on my floor at work went haywire and started in with a seizure inducing fit of flickering. my co-worker called the maintenance department on several occasions to have it repaired- and after three long weeks of peeing with my eyes closed (to avoid the onset of epilepsy), the light bulb was replaced.

the light bulb was replaced... with a new and far more luminous florescent one.

now, the light is sooo bright that upon entering i am immediately slammed by migraine-esque head pains and an overwhelming instinct to cover my eyes and hit the floor (gross).

in conclusion, now, when ever i need to "rest," it means i have to walk through a labyrinth of stairs and ancient hallways to go to another, less intense, facility on campus.

so much for my 8 glasses of water a day.

my life <----> woody allen film

2008-05-01T04:22:46Z

sometimes my mind drives my heart crazy...

or is it the other way around?

a new arm for me!

2008-04-15T22:41:24Z

i <3 crm

academic textbook

2008-04-08T16:39:48Z

Andrea: so we were talking about socioeconomic status and names in class today.... and congratulations: Amber is one of the most common names among white lower class girls. but at least it's no Portia, Mercedes, Precious, Angel, etc. I always liked Amber, I never considered it trashy or poor...

Me: oh god, i ALWAYS knew it was white trash- but thanks for confirming.

i've aged 12 years in just 1...

2008-03-25T18:58:59Z

My New York age is 38

This New York age puts you-generally speaking-into the young category. That's what you were hoping for, right? Run and tell your friends. Then get drunk (as usual). Then sleep it off. Then pop an Adderall. Then come back and consider experimenting with a more mature type of New York life (just once in a while). Have you ever been to the Village Vanguard or the Living Theatre? Eaten at Elaine's? Taken a date to Michael Feinstein? Before you laugh, check 'em out and see what old-school NYC experiences you can add to the new.

What's your New York age? Take the Time Out New York quiz and find out!

sauceus @ 2008-03-20T14:17:00

2008-03-20T18:26:37Z

Update, update, update. It’s been a while since an actual post of any substance- so what do I have to fill you in on? This:

I am happy to report that Andrea and I have officially and solidly re-established our commitment to one another. After months of uncertainty, and back and forth efforts, and trying to see other people, all the while wanting to be with each other, and indecision, and fears, and distance, and pining, and questioning, and missing... but always loving. Our long sought after union has arrived. There are still the obvious obstacles, like the 400 miles between us, but so far-so good. Now I just have to convince him to move to Brooklyn.

Since January I have been working at Pratt Institute in a position arranged by a temp agency. I was initially told that it would only be for a month, but here it is three months later and I am still employed-- the job is in the development office; working the non-profit-esque side of higher education. I have always sort of had “working for a non-profit” in the back of my mind, but until now I never really knew what that entailed, now to get into it, or how my talents and education would mesh into a job in the non-profit sector. As of now, my job has mostly consisted of me being a bit of a go-between. I mainly just perform various tasks that are asked of me by any and all members of the staff, and all the rest of the time I get paid to sit and stare at the internet. (Which is fine, temporarily). However, as of this week I have gone through a series of meetings with my supervisor, who has offered to create an actual position for me if I want one. What this means is that rather than sitting around waiting for someone to ask me to do something, I will have a real job description, with actual responsibilities and projects to complete. Once the position is created, I will be working more directly with the fundraising/development aspect of the organization; helping to obtain the contributions of alumni and working to establish creative ways to use and distribute them to the Pratt community. The best part about my boss tailor making the job for me is that he is going to allow me to turn it into a creative role that would incorporate my desire to write, edit, etc. This is all still in the works, but right now the most exciting part is the fact that it will be the first time in my adult life that I’ve had a job which provides benefits: health insurance, paid vacation, sick days—not to mention that I can take graduate classes for FREE!

What else…? I was sick for the majority of the first two months of the year, so I didn’t get out much and spent an unreasonable amount of money on things such as uninsured doctor’s visits, uninsured prescription drugs, and missing days of work that I did not get paid for. (See previous paragraph for my excitement about finally having health care coverage) The only upside is that I finally started exploring and exhausting the resources that are available for low-income citizens in New York. Thanks to a really tacky hot pink subway poster, I found a women’s clinic, run by the NY heath department, where I was able to get my annual exam, tests, and birth control-- all free of cost! Who knew that I was a candidate for Medicaid? Anyway, thanks NY state government for the free BC!-- Even if it will only be for the next couple of months ‘til I am officially employed.

My hair is getting longer and my skin is about to get ink-ier. Haha. For longer than I can remember I’ve had an obsession with hair cuts. Even when I didn’t need a hair cut, I got a hair cut. It was like an alarm went off in my head every three or four weeks and I had to get a hair cut. Anyway, the last time I cut my hair was in October, and that was just a minimal trim… so I’m in for the long haul here. Also, just as a disclaimer, my hair is by no means loooong—just long for me. Additionally, I have had the itch for a new tattoo recently. A new shop just opened up down the street from my apartment and it turns out that it is owned by the artist that both Claire and Sabrina had recommended that I go see. He did really good work on both of them, and his quality is reinforced by the fact that I couldn’t get an appointment with him for over two weeks! Stay tuned on April 16th for the results… If it turns out successfully, it may be the last tattoo session I ever have. (So I claim. But I am running out of prime real estate. )

Good enough? It’s definitely a long enough update to muck up some of your friend pages.

Until next time, I’m clock watching the last two hours of work, after which I will rush off to the bus station and head to Richmond for the weekend. Easter bonnets on monument avenue, anyone?

xo!

round... i lost count

2008-03-19T01:56:48Z

alright y'all...

i am about to start doing this again.

workin for the weekends

2008-02-06T19:08:46Z

love and loss and life.

2008-01-21T02:00:19Z

there are just too many memories to sort through.

enter sandman... well?

2007-12-14T07:24:02Z

oh my god... i cant sleep.

my head is a mess. i cant shut my brain off tonight.
thoughts, anxiety, stress, more thoughts- all going full force at two thirty am!

i just got out of bed for the second time.
i ate a banana. someone once told me that bananas help with insomnia. another someone once told me that eating a banana in the morning will help you wake up and be more alert... i hope i dont get the latter result.

also, i've never understood the idea of counting sheep. is that a real thing that someone has done? or just a really cute concept to use in commercials and the bert & ernie segment of sesame street?

ugh, this is ridiculous.

dinner decor

2007-12-12T00:53:30Z

last night nora and i had a thai dinner date in the west village. i have no idea what the place was called, but it was beautiful inside and decorated with seasonal trimmings. we each had delicious tofu dishes and finished off the meal by sharing banana & apple spring rolls atop a scoop of green tea ice cream.

the highlight of the evening was when a table in the corner went up in flames, as the candle (placed there for romance) ignited a garland wreath. but don't worry, i saved the day by informing the cute thai server who later served us our "sweeties."

GREat golly!

2007-11-29T18:11:53Z

In 43 hours, I will be taking an exam that may or may not determine my future.

Back to the study-a-thon (and more coffee).

attn: this ain't joe's apartment!!!

2007-09-21T03:06:41Z

i spent a good portion of my night on a hunt to kill mission: a giant waterbug in my apartment.

according to roachcontrol.com, there is NO difference between "waterbugs" and "cockroaches." they are one in the same.

this is not the first sighting, hunt and/or murder of the aforementioned pest.

apparently, i have a roach problem.